&HOME &BIO &PHOTOS &WRITING &GAIA &DOWNLOADS &LINKS Much Ado About BussingHere in Montreal, we have something called the STM, or Societé
de Transport de Montreal. It used to be called the Societé de Transport
de la Communauté de Montreal, which had the amusing abbreviation
of STCUM (St. Cum), but no longer. That's for another rant, and
somewhat irrelevant to this. The STM is formed up of the busses,
métro (subway) and some commuter train lines. 1. The Noisy Event Fan (NEF)In this case, the name says it all. The NEF
is either heading to, or (more often the case) returning from, either
a concert, a rally, a parade or a sporting event. The first and last
are the most common. The NEF are recognized by their bright flashy
colouring, often in team/association colours. They may or may not
be carrying large signs or banners. They are always, always loud,
and occasionally under the influence. The substance varies. Sporting
events usually lead to drunkenness, concerts usually lead to being
stoned. The results however, are the same. Loud voice, disregard for
fellow passengers, lack of decency. It is usually the NEF who resort
to using the garbage cans/corners on the subway platform as urinoirs
at 1 am after a night of over-imbibing. Another side effect that occurs
specifically in the noisy concert fan is self-induced deafness. After
being surrounded by huge speakers and screaming compatriots all night,
the NCF is often loud solely because they are unaware of their own
volume. That, or their fellow NCFs just cannot hear them.
2. The NeverReadyThe NeverReady is exactly that. Never ready.
No matter that they've been waiting at the bus stop for ten minutes,
they still need to scrabble around through all their pockets, their
handbag, or knapsack for bus fare. Their hands are normally full,
and because of this, they constantly drop things, leave a trail (a
la Hansel & Gretel) from the door to their seat, and then proceed
to spread their posessions all over the floor and seat next to them,
whether or not that seat is occupied. Of course, preparing these possesions
before they have to get up is entirely out of the question. They realize
the bus is AT THEIR STOP, frantically ring the bell, trip over you
while trying to amass their horde, and invariably end up missing their
stop. The sole tolerable exception to the NeverReady is the Overwraught
Mother. It is completely understandable that someone taking public
transit with a load of groceries and several small children to be
distracted and messy. Travelling with chilren in a car is troublesome
enough.
3. The Ring-A-DingFirst, I should explain the bus bell, for
those of you who are not familiar. Our busses are equipped bells that
passengers can ring to alert the driver that they would like to get
off at the next stop. This saves time, so that if noone rings the
bell and noone is waiting at the bus stop, the driver does not have
to stop. The Ring-A-Ding feels the need to pull this bell, whether
it is necessary or not. Older busses have an honest-to-goodness bell
connected to a pull-string, and it rings whenever you pull that string.
If you are unfortunate to get stuck on an older bus with the Ring-A-Ding,
beware. Even if someone has pulled the bell not ten seconds before,
they will pull it again. If they are worried the driver didn't notice,
again we hear a bell. And so on, and so forth. Luckily most of the
busses are more modern, and have a computerized bell that will only
ring once between each stop, but that doesn't stop the Ring-A-Ding
from obsessively pressing the button. Noo. The other thing this type
does that drives me up the goddamned wall is ringing the bell at the
end of the line. JUST IN CASE THE DRIVER WASN'T SURE. They have to
stop there, people. Don't annoy us with that infernal dinging for
nothing. Thank you.
4. The GomerThe Gomer is most often found in the neighbourhood
I live in. Gomer is a term from Samuel Shem's book, House of God,
and stands for Get Out of My Emergency Room. Basically Gomers are
old lonely people who have nothing better to do than complain about
ailments. And they always want your seat. I am beyond tired about
hearing about some overly made up woman's ass-boils, or her seatmate's
arthritis, especially when they have extricated me from my seat..
Gomers are generally harmless, but very annoying. They are much more
likely to be found on the bus than the métro.
5. The LoudmouthThe Loudmouth is a phenomenon totally and
completely confined to the bus and train, as cellphones do not work
underground (on the métro). The Loudmouth feels the need to show the
whole world that they either enjoy wasting money, or have more free
minutes than they know what to do with. Thanks sweetie, but we really
do NOT need to hear about your cute new guy, your pedicure, like,
that like, thing you like did, or anything else, really. Ok, I am
being a bit biased. Not all Loudmouthed are preppy teen girls.. I
once saw a middle-aged man calling people solely to tell them his
new cellphone number. This could not have waited till he got home?
It went on the entire time I was on the bus, and I get on at one terminal
and off at the other. Blargh.
6. The Harried HurrierThe Harried Hurrier, or HH, is constantly
on the go, to the point of nearly pushing the Gomers (see above) out
of their way. That's fine when running for a bus.. But why rush when
getting OFF the bus? Especially at the end of the line? Trust me,
the driver has no wish to kidnap you. The HH also runs up and down
escalators, shoving people left and right, runs through the métro
stations, whether a train is coming or not (and even that is fairly
stupid, the trains come on average every three to six minutes. You
can wait, no?) My main problem with the HH is the rudeness that comes
with rushing. The pushing, shoving, impatient foot tapping, etc. Maybe
the HH is late for work, but those three mintes won't make THAT MUCH
of a difference.
7. The TouristI cannot hold the tourists completely responsible
for their actions.
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